i've never been particularly good with willpower, making myself do things that i don't really want do.
a glass + 12 of wine? sure! fettuccine alfredo followed by cheesecake?? YOLO!
i'm just not good at it and always seem to find an excuse as to why i "deserve" this or that.
i think once i ballooned to my pre-medifast weight, i started to be a little more conscience, but that was probably because my overstuffed body had nowhere for that big mac or ice cream sundae to go. i couldn't shove another fried or creamy morsel in without the fear of having a heart attack on the spot.
in all honesty, i really took a step back and looked at what i was doing to my body, my relationship, my life in general and didn't like what i saw. i tried several times to make a change and get healthy, to no avail. but this time, something clicked. i feel so much better about saying no to things that i once was never able to pass up. and i don't feel like i'm being deprived of anything either. like times before, i basically ate protein shakes and hummus with carrots for weeeeeks to the point where i can barely look at hummus anymore and i lost some weight, but it all came back the second that i went off the diet. there was so much that i wouldn't let myself have, that the moment i slipped it was more of a fall off of a cliff. now, i don't want those things. well... that's a lie. i'd still love to have some of my old crutches, but the difference is that i don't feel the need to.
it's not easy though.
there are times that i slip up, but instead of saying f-it and jumping off the cliff into a peanut butter shake or bottle of wine, i get back on track, go for a walk, and try not to do it again. i'm learning as i go and so far it's been a really great process. i'm realizing that willpower truly is mind over matter and once i find a balance that fits me, weight loss and healthy living wont even be a thought. it'll just be my life.
and i feel like i'm starting to find it.
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